Content Warning: Suicide
Author: Anjali Kupchand
Suicide. It’s something everyone would rather not discuss. It’s something we hope never happens to those we care about. However, the topic of suicide is something that can’t be ignored. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young adults. It’s unquestionable to think someone you know could even think of taking their own life, but many people don’t realize how much pain someone can be in when they see suicide as their only option. It can be very difficult to motivate yourself to seek help for your mental health. However, some institutions make it difficult for those who are suffering to seek help. Inadequate mental health services can be damaging.
Matthew is a Digital Enterprise Management student at UofT, who I chose to interview to speak on this topic. His story truly makes you think and touches on overcoming struggles with the inadequate mental health resources offered at universities.
Can you speak on what caused your mental health to become poor?
“I had moved to 3 different countries and entered 2 different schools all in the span of 2 years. I had lost most of my support systems due to moving so frequently. As a result, I was very lonely and had little to no support system during my first two years at UofT. I also lived away from my parents so going through an undergrad for two years in a competitive program, with little to no support, and lost friends, basically messed me up pretty bad and just lead to a lot of self-harm and meditated suicide.”
Could you tell me a little about your experience with mental health at UofT?
“So in December of 2018, I went to the HTC seeking help from a guidance counsellor because I was having thoughts of suicide. She had asked if I had a meditated plan to kill myself, and I indicated that it wasn’t immediate. She told me that I was going to Credit Valley Hospital, and I simply responded that I didn’t agree and that I just needed someone to talk to. She clarified and indicated that I would be taken to Credit Valley via police escort and that I was being arrested under UofT’s mental health policy. I was arrested, kept in Credit Valley for 5 hours in confinement with 2 police officers, and was interviewed by a mental health nurse, a social worker, a psychologist, and then finally a neurosurgeon. It came to the point in my fifth interview that I simply felt the necessity to lie so I could just go home. We’ve had 5 deaths by suicide in the past 2 years, at UofT alone. It’s horrifying here.”
How did this experience impact you and your mental health?
“You need to understand this. Talking about your suicidality can put someone in further crisis. Being interrogated and continuously asked the same questions regarding my feelings was excruciating and I simply wanted to go home. Before I left, the neurologist I met with taught me about the importance of journal keeping, and how collecting numerical data could help me better understand and even forecast my mental illness.”
How did the journal keeping help what you were going through?
“For 3 weeks, for every given hour that I was awake, I kept a number log of what I was feeling on a scale of 1 (the least suicidal) to 10 (in crisis). The data helped me understand what I was feeling and helped me correlate events in the day with mood variations in the day. It was a super empirical approach to journaling and it really helped. I finished my journaling experience by graphing the data and turning those graphs into abstract pieces of art. I turned it into a digital collective and published it for free as a thought piece online. I also ended the book by providing the reader with templates in which they could start number journaling and turning their data into art.”
How did you use your experience to empower others who may be feeling or have experienced the same?
“I was asked by @UofThrive to speak about my experience after a student had died by suicide in 2019. I spoke about the gaps in UofT’s student culture and policies and spoke about using design as a coping mechanism to help us understand ourselves. It was a sold-out crowd, and a couple of the attendees were a bunch of grad students from Ryerson, who were filming for a documentary they were making, named I Want You to Live. They asked me in private to be featured in their documentary and I ended up taking a good third of that documentary, which was shocking. It was interesting how these strings of experiences helped me tell my story about coping, suicidality as a whole and the toxic work culture at UofT.”
What would you like readers to take away from your experience?
“1. To understand the gaps in UofT’s mental health support system and hold them accountable.
2. To help them realize that there are healthy coping mechanisms available, outside of UofT’s resources, that can help them manage their mental illness
3. To inform them that they are not alone, especially in the wake of COVID and quarantine, and that there are other students who understand how you feel.”
I hope reading this interview with Matthew reached you in some way. If you are interested in reading Matthew’s book you can access it here bit.ly/24HoursDwnld and if you would like to get into contact with Matthew you can do so on Instagram at @matty.info or you may email him at matthew@notniceclub.com
Author’s Note
As a first-year student at UofT, all I heard coming to this school was how damaging the mental health services were here. I heard about all the unfortunate suicides and ineffectual measures put in place by the school. I wanted to learn for myself the experiences of others. I also think mental health is already a taboo topic among most people, but especially among men. It was enriching to hear from a male who reached out for help. I knew I wanted to do this topic because I wanted others to hopefully relate or connect in some way with the story or topic, and I could help someone by sharing Matthew’s story. I encourage others to share their story as well, because you may help someone.
